A mothers Sacrifice, part 1

Many of you bloggers are mothers, and I think some of you can relate to this story. This is my journey (all of the ups and downs).

I made the choice to have kids, in making that decision I also made the decision to give up anything that was sacred to me. My freedom to come and go, any chance at a career and also an education.

It all started in 1995 after graduation, when I said I was going to take a year off after high school. Well that was 15 years ago. Don't get me wrong, I went to college. A community college on and off for 2 years. I was working and having fun. I also had a boyfriend. When you're young, you don't think rationally and when you're in love you really don't think rationally! So after a year of dating we made the choice to up and move away to Arizona. We were sick of the cold and were ready for a change.

Well, 9 months into "playing house" our game became reality when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. We decided that the best thing was to move home and be near our families (actually I was really homesick) for help and support. So we packed up our stuff and moved back home. We both worked and as I got bigger my boyfriend took on more financial responsibilities and I cut back on working. Our baby came and I stayed home to care for him while my fiance (he proposed when I was 9 mo pregnant) worked nights and overtime trying to make ends meet. Coming from religious families we were expected to marry, especially by my family. I felt like I HAD to get married, even if I knew deep down it wasn't the right thing to do. But, we did and we were kind of happy and then somewhere between the wedding and the baby's birthday, the shit really hit the fan.

After 6 months of marriage I found out my husband had turned into a drug addict! Now, let me explain, I knew that he smoked pot and I started to notice that things were, off. Not really things, he was just off. But it didn't occur to me that there was something seriously wrong. Yes, I was naive! But things did get worse.... he spent all of our money, went missing for days at a time, lost his job and became verbally abusive. But I stayed, and I kept trying to figure out what to do.

The straw that broke the camels back came one Summers day when I left the baby home with his dad while I went to work. I called a few times to see how everyone was doing but I always got the answering machine. I got off early that day and made my way home. When I walked into the house it was dead quiet and I assumed that they were napping. I made my way into the bedrooms only to find that dad and the dog were the only one's sleeping. I looked for the baby but I couldn't find him. I started to panic and frantically searched for my child and I did find him, he had crawled out the back door and was playing in the baby pool that was full of water. I stood there frozen with fear. All that was running through my head was that he was safe and oh my god I could have found him in a much worse way. I was angry. I have never felt that kind of anger in my whole life. I held that baby for just a moment and took him inside, put him in his play pen and woke my husband up with my fists. He got very violent very quickly, I called 911 and he was arrested for domestic violence and child abuse. He denied that any of ever happened. I left him that day and moved me and the baby back to my parents. For a year and a half we tried to make things work, he went through rehab and went to AA meetings, I even went to Alanon meetings just to make sense of what we were dealing with. We went to marriage counseling and did interventions. But in the end, I was the only one trying and eventually I filed for divorce. I just couldn't forgive him and I was so hurt and angry that I knew in my heart that it was wrong, we weren't meant to be together.

The drugs really took their toll on us, he would disappear for months and come back, all the while blaming me for our failure. He blamed me for him starting to use the meth, he blamed me for him missing his sons first birthday, he even blamed me for losing our house after he spent our rent on his addiction. To this day, he denies that day ever happening.

I was suddenly a single parent, working part time and paying the bills and daycare, trying to make ends meet. He wasn't paying child support or helping in anyway. My parents were the life savers! I went through major bouts of depression and was very lonely. There were days that I wondered how I got myself into such a mess, but my beautiful child kept me going. He loved me unconditionally and I would have given my soul to see his little face and have his chubby little arms wrapped around my neck. Needless to say, I didn't go back to school!

Then one night I met some friends from junior high for drinks. While we were sitting there visiting our conversation revealed that we ( one of the guys and I) had a mutual friend. She would forward me funny jokes and emails that he was sending her. We talked and visited and I didn't think anything of it. We went our separate ways and a few weeks later I got up the nerve to call that guy and ask him if he wanted to go to our mutual friends wedding with me, as a date...........

Stay tuned for the next chapter of life.