Those who enjoy my insanity..........

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Wordful Wednesday - Learning about Death

Well, as you know our oldest is 10 and he knows what death IS but he really doesn't understand it or didn't until this past weekend.

I was cleaning up the kitchen and went to take the trash out to the garage and as I was coming back in I saw what I thought was a really big mouse sitting just outside the door into my house. After nearly jumping out of my skin I realized that it was actually a very tiny baby bunny. They run wild in the area that we live in so I wasn't all that surprised to see it. What did surprise me was that it didn't make a move to run away from me and when I called the kids to come see him he didn't even flinch when my son picked him up. Right then I knew something wasn't right. I had a feeling that our cat had gotten a hold of him.
I told my son to take it out to the yard and we would see if he ran away. Maybe he was just scared and didn't know how to get out of the garage? Well, he didn't move and me being the animal lover decided to take it to the local vet. It was about 8 pm and I knew that there was only one open near us. When we got there we found out that their doctor is deathly allergic to rabbits and couldn't help us! We were on our own.
We took him home and tried a dropper to give him some water and borrowed some guinea pig food from the neighbor. But the poor thing wouldn't do a thing. He was very lethargic and fading fast. My son was heart broken and I tried to explain it the best that I could. "That's nature, maybe he's sick and not meant to live". I showed him how his breathing was slowing down and that we shouldnt touch him because we didnt know if he was is pain. It was so sad to see my son so confused and angry and upset.
He wanted it to sleep in his room but I wouldn't let him because of the cat. We put him in a shoe box with some warm towels, food and water but it died a few hours later. My son cried himself to sleep that night and I felt so bad for him.

He now understands the true meaning of death.
Well now that I have made you cry :) Head on over to Seven clown Circus and read some more Wordful Wednesday posts! Hopefully you can find something to make you laugh now.

Monday, April 19, 2010

A mothers Sacrifice part 3

So I left off at the proposal right?!

Well, I was sooo excited about our wedding that I jumped into the planning of it. Within a week we had set a date (October) and it was all I could think about. Now that I look back I'm pretty sure I scared the shit out of him and he started to with drawl, but I'm not sure. I do know that I was taking this thing way too fast for a man.

We were on a budget and I was working so hard to find the perfect place to have the ceremony and reception at the same time AND a place that would let us do our own food and allow us to bring our own alcohol. It was a chore, but I found it. We put the deposit down and started planning the rest. I found a dress and I was sooo in love with it, see.........

But...... it was $900 back then. I searched and searched and found it online for like $500 but that was still way out of my price range and so I tried to keep looking.

Well, sometime in the summer my fiance approached me and dropped the bomb. He wanted to postpone the wedding. I was soooo upset and I didn't understand why. All I could think about was that he didn't want to do it, was getting cold feet and was scared. He said that we didn't have the money to have the wedding that we wanted. I was confused, but I complied. We postponed it and didn't set a date. Everything got put on hold and eventually I got over my hurt feelings and we went on dating like it never happened.

We talked about our future and if we should have kids or not. He for some reason thought that he wasn't able to have them. Do single guys think that? Just because he had never gotten anyone pregnant, he was sterile? We even moved in together! We found a townhouse in an area that we both loved. It was like we were family already, him, me and our little buddy.

Here's where it gets interesting........he wants me to quit taking my birth control and maybe see if we can get pregnant. HUH? Now wait a minute, let me get this straight. Were not married and you want to try to have a baby??? Ok. What he doesn't realize is that I'm so fertile that I can get pregnant just by looking at a penis. So needless to say, it didn't take long. AT. ALL.

It was October and I just had that feeling. You girls know "that feeling", that one where you just don't feel like you did last week, that something is just different. Yup, I had that feeling. I was really nervous buying the pregnancy test. What if I was? What if he had changed his mind? What are my parents going to say? I went home and put little buddy to bed and made my way to the bathroom. The time had come and it couldn't wait any longer. I had to know. Why is it after that moment of peeing on a stick that time stops? You sit there for the 5 minutes and it seems like an eternity? And when that little stick came out with a positive sign my heart stopped I think. I was soooo excited and terrified all at the same time.

Back than and still now he works nights, so I went to bed but lord knows I couldn't sleep. I just layed there in the dark watching the clock and waiting for the sound of his car pulling into the driveway. Those few hours were some of the longest I can remember! But I knew he would be coming home and when he did my heart began to race. He quietly crept into our bedroom and put his stuff in the closet and came to my side of the bed to give me a kiss. He was very surprised that I was awake. All I said was "hi daddy". He thought he misunderstood me so he said what and I repeated myself and told him to go look in the bathroom (where I had left the pee stick). It took him a few minutes but when he came out of that bathroom he had the biggest smile on his face ever. Even though it was dark, he was glowing and smiling from ear to ear.

That was the day before our original wedding date. I knew that we should have been married and I started to feel that it was the right thing to do and it needed to be done. Now.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Wordful Wednesday

Do you ever have those moments where you feel like being silly and getting a hard laugh at your kids expense? Of course you do! My mom and I did the other day and I laughed sooo hard.

My son started showing my mom the silly faces he could make and I thought I would help him out by pulling out the scotch tape, and then my mother got her idea and it slowly progressed..................So, that was our fun for that day!!! Arent we bad? My son thought it was the funniest thing ever and I LOVE to listen to him laugh, it's the best sound ever.

For more Wordful Wednesday posts head over to Seven Clown Circus and say hi to Angie. She has a ton of people participating so you're sure to find something good :)
Have a wonderful Week!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

A Mothers Sacrifice, part 2

So, where were we? Oh yea, now I remember.

I gathered up my courage and called that guy. Now don't be misunderstood about this guy; he wasn't just any guy. We had been acquaintances since 7th grade, my best guy friend was his best friend and we used to hang out every so often. Heck, we had even kissed before......playing a game of dare that is! I had had a crush on him and his best friend had a crush on me and who knows who he had a crush on. It was junior high after all. So now that you know our history you know that it just wasn't a spur of the moment type of decision for me to ask some random guy to be my date. There was a method to my madness!

I don't remember the exact conversation and I don't remember it being awkward, but he did say yes to the date. The next thing I do remember is meeting him at the zoo with my son. We walked for hours and talked about random stuff, and it was a nice day. I remember thinking that he would want nothing to do with a girl who was still married (I was only separated at this time) with a 2 1/2 year old kid but it was still nice to just hang out and have a friend.

The day of the wedding came, and I spent it getting ready with the bride and brides maids, I was really nervous. So here we were all dressed to the nines, walking into the church and I saw him, and his expression. LOL, his jaw dropped and he had a huge smile on his face. I'm sure mine was bright red and I was unable to speak out of embarrassment! He picked me up and gave me a hug.

We all made it through the ceremony and since it was a blizzard and freezing outside he made the decision to drive me to the reception rather than us driving separately. The whole reception is kind of a blur and the next thing I know were at an Irish pub downtown drinking Guinness with the bride, groom and friends. I didn't think that my date had been drinking but later on he did admit that he had no choice because he was so nervous! Well I wont mention her name but she kept at my date and he finally got up the nerve to kiss me. It was the best first kiss ever!

Well, from that day on we were inseparable. He worked nights, I think, and we lived at opposite ends of town but we spent every possible moment together. He adored my son and my son couldn't get enough of "Justin". That's what he called him for weeks, because I had been hanging out with a friend with that name before we had set up our date. He was annoyed by it and I thought it was hysterical. He still gives me crap for it! Anyway, we went to movies and dinner, made out on my parents couch, played pool and all sorts of stuff. He even babysat for me while I was at work! When we weren't together we were emailing back and forth and I wish I had printed them out and saved them. He was a total romantic and we both knew that we were meant to be. It hurt to be away from each other. It was just, perfect.

He grew up as an only child and for the most part it was him and his mom. So coming into my family was like culture shock for him! We always had family parties and get together's that included like a million people. He loved it and I loved that fact that he felt like he was part of a big family.

After a year of dating we were really serious and Christmas time came. We had made plans for him to come to my parents after work and spend the night on their couch so that he could spend Christmas morning with us. I remember him getting to the house at 2 am and he was acting funny. Not really funny, just fidgety. We all woke up early (he was exhausted) and he gave me my present. It was a new 35 mm canon camera and I LOVED it. But I was also really disappointed. I had thought he was going to propose and he didn't but I wasn't going to let it show or bother me; I was just happy that he was there and he loved me.

Three days later we were out to dinner at a Indian place and he just couldn't hold still, didn't have a lot to say and it was kind of awkward through the whole night. It was late and we were both tired and decided it was time for bed. In the dark, I got undressed and was just getting into bed when all of the sudden he got down on his knee and proposed. Yes, as I stood there in my bra and underwear he asked me to marry him! I of course said yes. Yup that's what I get to tell people when they ask me how he proposed. I wouldn't want it any other way.

So over this time the only thing that was on my mind was love. I didn't sacrifice anything. I had my child and a man that loved me no matter what and he loved my kid no matter what. I did go back to school and took a class or two and I had an OK job. Life was good, we were good and then came the time to plan a wedding........................

Stay tuned for part 3.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

A mothers Sacrifice, part 1

Many of you bloggers are mothers, and I think some of you can relate to this story. This is my journey (all of the ups and downs).

I made the choice to have kids, in making that decision I also made the decision to give up anything that was sacred to me. My freedom to come and go, any chance at a career and also an education.

It all started in 1995 after graduation, when I said I was going to take a year off after high school. Well that was 15 years ago. Don't get me wrong, I went to college. A community college on and off for 2 years. I was working and having fun. I also had a boyfriend. When you're young, you don't think rationally and when you're in love you really don't think rationally! So after a year of dating we made the choice to up and move away to Arizona. We were sick of the cold and were ready for a change.

Well, 9 months into "playing house" our game became reality when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. We decided that the best thing was to move home and be near our families (actually I was really homesick) for help and support. So we packed up our stuff and moved back home. We both worked and as I got bigger my boyfriend took on more financial responsibilities and I cut back on working. Our baby came and I stayed home to care for him while my fiance (he proposed when I was 9 mo pregnant) worked nights and overtime trying to make ends meet. Coming from religious families we were expected to marry, especially by my family. I felt like I HAD to get married, even if I knew deep down it wasn't the right thing to do. But, we did and we were kind of happy and then somewhere between the wedding and the baby's birthday, the shit really hit the fan.

After 6 months of marriage I found out my husband had turned into a drug addict! Now, let me explain, I knew that he smoked pot and I started to notice that things were, off. Not really things, he was just off. But it didn't occur to me that there was something seriously wrong. Yes, I was naive! But things did get worse.... he spent all of our money, went missing for days at a time, lost his job and became verbally abusive. But I stayed, and I kept trying to figure out what to do.

The straw that broke the camels back came one Summers day when I left the baby home with his dad while I went to work. I called a few times to see how everyone was doing but I always got the answering machine. I got off early that day and made my way home. When I walked into the house it was dead quiet and I assumed that they were napping. I made my way into the bedrooms only to find that dad and the dog were the only one's sleeping. I looked for the baby but I couldn't find him. I started to panic and frantically searched for my child and I did find him, he had crawled out the back door and was playing in the baby pool that was full of water. I stood there frozen with fear. All that was running through my head was that he was safe and oh my god I could have found him in a much worse way. I was angry. I have never felt that kind of anger in my whole life. I held that baby for just a moment and took him inside, put him in his play pen and woke my husband up with my fists. He got very violent very quickly, I called 911 and he was arrested for domestic violence and child abuse. He denied that any of ever happened. I left him that day and moved me and the baby back to my parents. For a year and a half we tried to make things work, he went through rehab and went to AA meetings, I even went to Alanon meetings just to make sense of what we were dealing with. We went to marriage counseling and did interventions. But in the end, I was the only one trying and eventually I filed for divorce. I just couldn't forgive him and I was so hurt and angry that I knew in my heart that it was wrong, we weren't meant to be together.

The drugs really took their toll on us, he would disappear for months and come back, all the while blaming me for our failure. He blamed me for him starting to use the meth, he blamed me for him missing his sons first birthday, he even blamed me for losing our house after he spent our rent on his addiction. To this day, he denies that day ever happening.

I was suddenly a single parent, working part time and paying the bills and daycare, trying to make ends meet. He wasn't paying child support or helping in anyway. My parents were the life savers! I went through major bouts of depression and was very lonely. There were days that I wondered how I got myself into such a mess, but my beautiful child kept me going. He loved me unconditionally and I would have given my soul to see his little face and have his chubby little arms wrapped around my neck. Needless to say, I didn't go back to school!

Then one night I met some friends from junior high for drinks. While we were sitting there visiting our conversation revealed that we ( one of the guys and I) had a mutual friend. She would forward me funny jokes and emails that he was sending her. We talked and visited and I didn't think anything of it. We went our separate ways and a few weeks later I got up the nerve to call that guy and ask him if he wanted to go to our mutual friends wedding with me, as a date...........

Stay tuned for the next chapter of life.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Simple and Quick Cheesecake

I got this recipe from my sister in law and it's really easy and turns out so yummy!

Here's what you"ll need:
1 pkg cream cheese, softened
1 small can sweetened, condensed milk, using only half of it
2 eggs, room temperature
1 graham cracker crust. You may choose to make your own or buy one already made.

To make your own use one package of graham crackers and 1/4 stick of melted butter. Throw it all in your food processer and pulse it until it's a fine grind. You may add more butter if it's not sticking together. Press the mixture into a pie pan and use the bottom of a glass to tamp it down.

Now that you have all of your ingredients pull out your hand mixer or you stand mixer. Pre heat your oven to 350 degrees.

There is a certain way to do this (I learned the hard way) so do this exact!

Start by putting the softened cream cheese into the bowl and blend on medium high until it's smooth and creamy, about 30 seconds. Add 1/2 of the can of condensed milk and blend another minute then add the eggs one at a time until well blended.
Pour the mixture into your pie pan and gently tap it on the counter to burst any air bubbles. Bake it for 20 minutes. It will not get a browned crust on it, but to know when it's done you can shake it slightly to see if the middle wiggles. If it wiggles, turn your oven off and keep the door closed, letting it cool down and cook at the same time. This way it wont crack on the top. After 10 minutes, open the oven door and let it cool down slowly.  Place it in the fridge for at least an hour before serving.

I wasnt paying attention to mine and it cracked!!

Top it with any sort of sauce you'd like! I made a blackberry sauce.  Enjoy!!!


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